She and I have had a few memorable experiences looking at properties, and a LOT of people in Avalon have more money than taste, so you truly never know what to expect. Oh you get the standard custom closets, granite counter tops in the bathroom, SubZero refrigerators, inground gunite pools over looking the bay, but then you get gold mirrored ceilings, carved marble dolphin sinks in the first floor half bath, toilets with unbelievable sunset views, and assorted other oddities.
We checked out a bayfront house that was way too big for her, I mean really, in all honesty who needs an 11,000+ square foot house, with 11 bathrooms, 9 bedrooms, 2 kitchens, an elevator, a multi media room, a four bay garage, and a huge pool on the bay for seven point nine million bucks, that you will use for three weeks out of the year. Between little league, soccer and lacrosse camp, etc, there are three weekends that aren't sucked up by nonsense once your kids hit ten. Not trying to talk any of you potential home buyers out of your purchase, but come on. While it was a lovely house, and really well done, we had checked out 3 other houses done by the same builder earlier in the week, and he had used the same flip flop mosaic in at least one of the bathrooms in each. Since Mc Luscious is a smart, vibrant, artsy redhead, cookie cutter don't fly.
So off we go to the house overlooking the boardwalk. I use the expression, Pretty ,but DUMB a lot. It is pretty versatile for male or female, and in the real estate industry it represents about one quarter of all agents. The listing agent on this house is a super nice guy, but about as sharp as jello. He meets us there to allow us entry, and in we go, leaving him to wait outside. The house is dark, the decor more suited to a hunting lodge, or possible a lake front home in Maine. There is a chandelier of antlers in the Hunter Green dining room, lots of dark wood floors, and a surprising amount of shadow for a home that overlooks the ocean.
The bedrooms are on the first floor, again, dark, with absolutely no view, the living area on the second, with a junior master suite facing west, and the master takes up the whole third floor of the house. Climbing the stairs past a monstrous copy of a colonial brass chandelier, we hit the landing for the master suite. Not bad, so far it is the best part of the house. Good southern views down to Stone Harbor and Wildwood, more light than on the previous 2 floors, and a nice sitting room in a western facing alcove.
Moving towards the ocean, we enter the master bedroom. Here is where it starts to get strange. The bedroom itself is huge, with giant sliders facing the ocean and a private deck overlooking the beach. To the left of the room is the bathroom, but there is no real wall. It is effectively part of the bedroom. Oh sure, there is a wall of glass block lit by neon strips that keeps the ten foot by fourteen foot shower area from spilling water everywhere, but the sink and the pooper are just around the corner tucked into a bend in the wall.
Looking askance at each other, we begin to make some ribald comments about gang showers, when we turn to the right, and there it is, taking up the rest of the level, the Home Gym. Flushing all thoughts of sweaty gang showers in the neon lit, glassblock shower with three rain shower heads, and 36 wall mounted jets, is the fully mirrored Home Gym, complete with STRIPPER POLE.
Immediately I go into Shut The Fuck Up mode. Going over to the built in stereo, I hit the on button, select a radio station and start gyrating around the pole, much to Mc Luscious's delight. Laughing hysterically we dance around the pole without realising that we have activated the stereo for the full house, blasting out the music everywhere. Bumping and grinding in the mirror, we stop just seconds before the listing agent walks into the master bedroom. He was waiting downstairs, and he heard the music come pouring out all of the interior and exterior speakers, and wanted to make sure we were OK.
With a quizzical look on his face, we thank him for letting us in to see the house, and compliment the owners, stating that we do have another appointment, and have to get running. The minute our asses hit the seats of the car, we are seized by an uncontrollable fit of laughter as we start to drive away. Just another day in my world, and another notch in my weirdness adventure log with Clients. God I love Real estate.
