Shaving the Shnike's

I was working at the National Retailer Who Shall Remain Nameless(butshallbediscussedatlength) the other night, when I found myself in an aisle next to Lord Dorkass (LD) again. As usual, he was surrounded by his minions, Prince Chubby Bottom (PCB) was there, as were SlowLee, Elder Statesman of Skinnyjeans,(SLESS) and Stretch McBaggypants, (SMcBP)

Clustered at the end of two aisles, but hidden from view should anyone look down the hallway, the foursome is attempting to do as little work as possible. As I am slamming shit onto the shelves (gotta make goal and beat rate) I overhear snippets of conversation. I move closer when I hear Lord Dorkass mention his Elf GF.

LD: "Yeah the Elf girl, she umm asked me to send her a picture of me with no shirt"

*in my head* UHOH, Sexting alert

SMcBP :"Hot man, did you?"

*in my head* Closet Case

LD: "Yeah I did, she asked me to send some more, but she wanted me to shave my chest"

*in my head* OK perhaps there IS some credence to my Pedophile in Iowa theory

PCB: "Did you do it?"

*in my head* Of COURSE he did

LDA: "Yeah but I didn't know where to stop. So, umm, I just kept going"

*in my head* WHY does this not surprise me? Just draw a line in the, ahem, sand and STOP

PCB: "I did that once, did you shave everything?"

*in my head* OH GOD, I did NOT need that picture to slam into my head

SMcBP: "I shave everything, the ladies LIKE that"

*in my head* Closet Case

LDA: "Yeah I did, I umm, like trimmed and stuff before, but I'm like bald now. Why do you think she wanted me to do that?"

*in my head* Ummmm see my Iowa Pedophile theory, please

SLESS: "I put Nair on my balls once"

*in my head* Did it burn?

SMcBP: "How was that?"

*in my head* Closet Case

SLESS: "It burned"

*in my head* No Shit. Your pants slid down the other day when you bent over, and your ass and back are so hairy you could braid it. It would take Napalm to burn the hair off your balls

SMcBP: "I like being hairless, It's hot, no pain no gain man"

*in my head* Closet Case

PCB: "I trim. I have clippers, but only down there. The stubble sucks when it grows in"

*in my head* Does it rub on your clitoris?

SMcBP: "My boys are bald"

*in my head* Just unzip your pants and show everyone, you KNOW you want to

LD: "Yeah me too, I look like I'm, like 10, but like, umm I am bigger there now than when I was ten, which is cool, How often do I have to umm, you know, do this?"

*in my head* LALALALALALA I can't hear YOU.....

SMcBP: " I do it all the time, it's a lot of work to be this hot. The ladies love it"

*in my head* Closet Case

PCB: "Stubble sucks man. You going to let it grow out?"

*in my head* Grow out? He doesn't even shave his face yet, how often do you think he needs to shave his balls?

On that final note is time for me to move to a different aisle, and away from this gripping intellectual conversation. As I can feel my IQ desperately clinging to its current rung on the ladder, I walk away laughing on the inside. And people think I talk too much....