Client X was a buddy from the gym and the bar. We ran in the same circle of 20-30 something year round residents of Seven Mile Beach. He lived with a few of my drinking buddies, and we knew all the same people, so when I got my RE license, he asked me for help in finding a new year round rental. When I had almost no luck finding him anywhere to live, we started looking at houses to buy. Everything was going fine when it was he and I cruising around checking out properties, but the weekend when his parents got involved things began to get interesting.
His father was a know it all kind of man. As a successful developer and real estate investor, he decided to have a hand in molding his sons first foray into property ownership. I knew this was going to add a level of difficulty to my job, but I certainly couldn't say NO, your Mom and Dad can't come.
Our focus this weekend was Wildwood, NJ. Much like Atlantic City, Wildwood NJ had undergone a major decline in the early 1980's, and was beginning to boom a bit, with new construction occurring for the first time in years. Based on the fact that property could be picked up for a song. (a 50X100 foot empty lot, 2 blocks from the beach in Avalon was $900K, and in North Wildwood it was $99K), Client X decided that he wanted to get in on the ground floor. We had picked a grouping of about 25 houses, I scheduled the appointments and off we went. Since it was the off season, most of the houses were unoccupied and shuttered since the summer season had not yet begun.
We set out, me in my own car, and Client X and his parents in a second car following me around. The first few houses show fine, but I am noticing that his mother really doesn't speak much, and has a glazed look in her eyes along with a perma smile. His father is a bore, a bit of a bully, is interfering with me doing my job, and constantly berates his wife and son. I am wondering if Mama X is heavily medicated.
The next house we are showing is on West Wildwood Avenue. As we pull up my heart sinks. The occupants are home, and it ain't pretty. There is a toothless old woman on the concrete slab porch lounging in a plaid recliner (yes, the indoor kind) watching TV, a diaper clad toddler, 2 small dogs and a blond woman in a sports bra swatting the toddler on the diaper with a fly swatter.
Before I could catch them, the X's are out of their truck and chugging down the street towards the house. I quickly approach the house and inform the people outside that I have an appointment to show the house, to which they reply "Oh yeah, that's cool. Just go on in, we have been expecting you." I am a bit panicked, as Mama X is introducing herself to everyone on the porch, and Mr X is telling her to be quiet, but I open the screen door and in we go. We are greeted by two more dogs, and a television the size of the wall, three tattoo'd shirtless men in boxer shorts sitting on a broken down sofa with either no springs, or the sleeper removed playing some kind of video game. There are no walls between the living room and kitchen, just naked studs, an exposed hot water heater, and dirty dishes piled on a plywood countertop. The entire area is half finished, no carpet, some linoleum in the kitchen, and the refrigerator just sitting in the middle of the room and a cooler packed with beer and ice.
From the kitchen, three doors lead to the unexplored areas of the house. the door to the right leads to a bedroom, OK safe enough, but it is wall to wall beds pushed together. The middle door leads to a bedroom and a bathroom. The bathroom has 2 toilets, only one of which is actually affixed to the floor, the second is in the shower. As we enter the darkened bedroom we realise we are not alone, there is yet another big dog napping on the bed. We then try door number three. This is another bedroom. I am a bit confused as this is supposed to be a five bedroom, three bathroom house, and I can only find three and one.
I seek out the denizens of the living room for assistance, all three of the big dogs have cocked their heads at me as I enter, and I hope they are not the smartest animals in the room. I politely ask where the other bedrooms are, I am informed that I have to go back into bedroom #3, go into the closet and feel for the knob in the back. With the X's following me like a row of baby ducks, in we plunge.
We go through the door into the second bathroom, and exit the bathroom into, the third bathroom, which is only a toilet and a sink. In we go to the fourth bedroom., where we find the missing shower from bathroom #3. Thankfully it is unoccupied, unfortunately, bedroom #5, is not. Sprawled across a massive bed is a naked blond woman, 2 dogs and a jumbo bag of french onion potato chips.
At this point I say, are we ready to go? Marching everyone through the bathrooms, out the closet, past the video gaming bikers, we wave goodbye to Grandma. Peeling off, we drive the few blocks to an older one story duplex. It takes up most of the lot, is in decent condition, and is thankfully, empty.
Mama X says in a breathy, woozy voice "They were very nice." Trying hard NOT to give her the Stynk Eye, I begin to question her sanity. I can't SMELL any booze on her, adding to my theory that she is eating Valium with her tic tacs. In we go to the duplex, again with a connecting door, but this door only goes from hallway to hallway, allowing for the property to be used as either a duplex or a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom single family home with two separate living and kitchen areas. We are outside discussing the houses we have looked at so far that day, when I realise that Mama X is missing I figure that she has wandered off to stare at the sun. Suddenly she appears, with no explanation given. Everyone is pretty much tired of looking at houses, so they beg off the remainder of homes, with Mama X claiming a headache.
I tell Client X to call me later, and I head back to the duplex to re-lock all the doors. As I enter the back unit to check that the slider to the backyard is locked, I notice an odd smell emanating from the bedroom area. I think, hmm thats weird I wonder what that is. I check the bedrooms, nothing, I notice that the bathroom door is closed and think NO, saints preserve us, NO, SHE DIDN'T. I open the door, and realise that yes, she did. Mama X had dropped a deuce. And a good one at that, in a house with the water shut off. One trip to the ACME and 4 gallons of water later, I have emptied the toilet of Mama X's gift.
I return to my office and recant the tale of the pooping Valium queen to my co workers. One of the jaded wise old broads in my office shakes my hand, blows a stream of smoke in my face and says "Welcome to real estate. You are gonna be fine." With training like that, I think I will, I think I will.
No comments:
Post a Comment