I have a client, Mc Luscious, who has become one of my closest friends and allies. Like me, she is a bossy redhead with a wicked sense of humor. I met her through a friend, and we had a whirlwind courtship. I showed her 38 houses on one Saturday in March, including a WTF house, which she actually bought. It could not be farther from what she wanted, it is in the extreme North end of Avalon, needed a full renovation, and buying it was one of the smartest things she ever did.
Because of kids, work, family, etc, it is rare when she and I get to enjoy a night out on the town, so one Saturday night in July, Mc Luscious got a babysitter (a Herculean task in Avalon NJ mid summer) and we decided to hit the town. OK, really we just went to the Princeton.
Sliding into the booth we start off with cocktails and a dozen raw oysters. We discuss the psychology of why men cheat, debate whether the busboy is high or just has an IQ under 100, and begin complaining about the Invasion Of the Range Rover Driving Size Zeros.
Now. For those who don't know, Avalon NJ is one of THOSE towns. You know the ones, where you can't live there. Ever. You hear of it in passing, and catch snippets in conversation overheard in a bar. It is a mythical town, full of fabulous beautiful people, doing amazingly wonderful things, wearing designer clothing purchased with an AMEX Black Card, while drinking Veuve from crystal flutes on a yacht, with... Well you get the picture. Well here is the reality, Its a bunch of Skinny Bitches, their bratty kids, arrogant self important husbands and an ASS-ton of debt.
This evening was one of those exceedingly rare occasions where one of these women is found in her native habitat / hunting grounds, in her pre marriage plumage. Her native habitat has men with enough open credit to finance a revolution in a small third world country, and enough skinny women with boob jobs to keep everyone entertained. The Princeton in Avalon fits that bill to a T on a Saturday evening. I have always said, Everyone in Avalon has money, whether it is real, imaginary or someone else's, Everyone has money.
Mc Luscious and I have started ordering food, I am on my second Martini, we are eating, carrying on, and having a blast. Gazing around Mc Luscious turns to me and says to me in a slightly boozy voice, "Whats wrong with that woman's face?"
Looking to my right, I see a gorgeous blond sitting at the bar. She looks like Holly Madison, the playboy bunny, only skinnier and with bigger fake boobs sitting with what looks like 2 guys from the Flyers. Her face is smooth and perfect, she weighs maybe 110 pounds, her boobs are spilling out of a tight white tank top, and she just doesn't look happy. Watching her for a moment, I reply " She's hungry"
Mc Luscious "WHAT?"
Me "She's hungry, look at her, watch her eyes"
Now this chick is sitting at the bar with a HUGE honking glass of white wine in front of her, taking the most minute sips imaginable. Her BF is completely ignoring her, instead he is talking to the second guy. While she is taking tiny sips, she is taking a LOT of them so that wine glass is getting empty pretty quickly, and rapidly gets replaced with a new one by the bartender.
One the bar top are jars of horseradish and kettle shaped pots of Oyster Crackers (the round kind). You can see her eyes dart to the left, then down, then back to the left again. Mc Luscious says "What is she doing?"
I respond "She sees the oyster crackers, Five to one, she will pick one up, break it into smaller pieces and nibble it like a Chipmunk"
Mc Luscious, chortling "You're mean." A minute later she says, "Wait, OMG, you're right look at her!" She is breaking an oyster cracker into pieces, and has nibbled a small chunk like a squirrel on the alert for danger. She takes another, larger piece and places it in her mouth and actually chews. Her face begins to glow, and her eyelids close slightly. She looks aroused. We are witnessing the beginning of a food based one night stand. Like all one night stands, we all know what that means. And they NEVER end well.
Suddenly her hand darts out again, grabbing another cracker. As we watch she splits this one in half, with eyes darting furtively about she pops half in her mouth, and palms the other half for later. She does not chew, simply letting the cracker begin to dissolve in her mouth. She rapidly places the hidden half of the cracker in her mouth, covers her face with her hand and chews, swallows, and take a slug of her wine.
"Two more and she pukes in the bathroom" I state matter-of-factly. "You think?" replies Mc Luscious. "OH yeah" is my response. With her BF still ignoring her, and the bartender is refilling her wine, we watch as the carbohydrate orgy begins. Another cracker gets shredded and consumed chipmunk style, then a second, then a third! This chick is on a rampage! Suddenly she stands and totters to the bathroom on her 6 inch heels, her hot pants covering an ass she borrowed from a nine year old boy. Twenty minutes later she returns.
It really is amazing to watch this woman eat. The furtive glances as she grabs a cracker, the minuscule bites, the delicate chewing, the huge gulps of white wine to wash it down. The total time to eat one cracker was stretched out over ten to fifteen minutes. She was not only held rapt by the carbohydrates of the flavorless lumps of flour and baking powder, she was visibly afraid of them. I would not be surprised if she left, went straight to the gym and did 3 hours on the treadmill.
Finishing the last of our wine, savoring the fullness of a meal enjoyed, we glance over at her one last time. As we both look, our eyes meet hers as she is in mid motion to eat another piece. She blushes, looks away, and lowers her arm sliding the cracker chunk under her hand on the bar.
"Avalon Freeze for ice cream?" I query Mc Luscious. "What the hell!" she replies. As we exit the bar into the early twilight, laughing, fat and happy, I think, Summertime, and maybe living IS easy.
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