My job is one of the biggest shit shows I have ever encountered, not the real estate job, that is just a generic pain in the ass. When you sell some of the most exclusive and expensive property in the world, you are subject to the whims of the ultra rich. These people are as predictable as earthquakes.
The job which currently pays my bills is set in a million square foot warehouse. I lift and tote and shove that barge on a daily basis. My immediate boss is young enough to be my son, and some day I will buy him a hooker so that he can become a man, but since he doesn't shave yet, I think it would be a bit premature at this point. He is very sweet, I think it would be appropriate to buy him a puppy and give him a hug when he skins his knee. His immediate boss is very nice as well, unfortunately I believe I have kidney stones that are older than he is. If I saw him in a bar I would place him into the "This many!!" category. Old enough to know he has a penis, and that it does stuff, but not 100% certain what that stuff is.
Neither of these two has QUITE acclimated themselves to the cranky homosexual with the deep gravelly voice, 18 inch biceps, more management experience than they have (combined) pubic hairs, who possesses a potty mouth that would make a Marine Corps drill sergeant blush. I am a big believer in the creative put down, the insult that leaves you scratching your head, and the witticism that makes you laugh 2 seconds after you hear it spoken.
A few choice selections I have uttered in the past few days;
"Don't make me turn into a 400 pound North Philly Black woman, cause I will. Yes I will. I will channel every inch of SheHora Round and you will not be a happy camper. I will pull out a giant titty and knock your ignorant ass down a flight of stairs"
"I cannot believe how fucked up this place is, it is the most ridiculous place I have ever worked. And I once worked in a restaurant where I caught the hostess doing a line of coke off the owners dick" I uttered this one yesterday on a smoke break, and the entire dock crew looked over at me in shocked silence. My retort was "What? Like you don't know me by now, what the fuck were you expecting to come out of my mouth, Sunshine and Unicorns?"
This one was uttered in regard to one of those dumb ass white chicks that we all know.
"What the fuck is that chick doing? If she swings her ass any harder she is gonna knock a hole in the wall. Which one? How can you miss her? THAT one, that Cracka Ho, the one that is too busy learning Spanish by injection to do her job." This one has led to me wandering through work for 2 weeks going "Crakkkaaaaaaa HOOOOOOOOOO" a few times a day just to make people laugh.
"Gee SUSS Ke-rist, these bitches are so fucking lazy they would have someone else take a shit for them if they could"
"Could you stop sucking on your BF's cock for ten minutes and HELP me!?" I said this one to a heterosexual man who follows his drug dealer around like he drops pellets of weed out his ass every time he takes a step.
In response to both a positive and a negative performance report within 5 minutes of each other from some girl that couldn't find her way out of a wet paper bag if it was on someone else's head. "WTF, they kick you in the testicles so hard your eyeballs grow hair, then they hand you a lollipop"
After having a co worker push a cart into me TWICE in the same aisle I made this comment to a different co worker. "If that cunt faced ass bag hits me with a cart again, you are gonna hear me say ' Awww did you chip a tooth? Thats a shame, maybe you should slow down, I have size twelve feet, and you were going so fastI couldn't move them in time to stop them from tripping you. I hope you feel better!!' "
At least I keep my coworkers entertained, and if you can'y get the joke, Look out! You're next
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